My goal lately has been to surround myself with as much positivity as possible. I go out about once a week to get supplies -- a truly stressful adventure each and every time -- but otherwise I don't leave my house. And, I so want to leave my house. I miss having the choice to leave. Because the truth is, I never go out much. My anxiety keeps me pretty much quarantined on the norm.
As I've mentioned before, my book signings have been canceled for the foreseeable future. The trips and being around so many people is both stressful and wonderful at the same time. I have met so many wonderful people and these signings allow me to see them again. So it is with a bit of sadness and relief that I go forward and wonder when I'll be able to attend another. The boxes of print books sitting in my dining room demands that it happens soon. <insert laughter here> On a personal note, my first grandchild is due to arrive soon. Her actual due date is May 31. Again I'm hit with a mix of sadness and excitement. One of the things that has made this spring so difficult for me is the fact that I haven't been able to see my daughter. I feel like I've missed so much. Our Babybel wasn't even big enough for us to feel her movements the last I visited. My daughter went from a tiny bump to a full-on round pregnancy stomach. She's been sharing pictures and we talk often but it's just not the same. I want to hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay. I want to reassure her and share stories while we work on some project or other. Mentally -- I crave the connection of being able to make physical contact. Sparkles in the dark... the outpouring of love from friends and family has been amazing. My daughter has been showered with love over the internet and in the many shipments from everyone. Seeing the support she has makes my heart full. As a crafty person, I've been able to make my granddaughter blankets, booties, and toys. I've shipped presents through Amazon -- Amazon Prime is a godsend! I am truly grateful for the time we live in... for video chats to see her open the boxes when they arrive, for tracking so I know when and where those shipments are, for the amazing son-in-law who I know is taking care of her. For love. Each of us has our own struggles. I often feel that mine are less important than others. But this isn't true. Each of us has our burdens to bare. Each of us handles those moments differently. We are unique. And, we are all worthy of compassion and understanding no matter how big or small our struggles seem to us or others. Looking for the positive, I am grateful for what I do have... for the fact that my children all continued to work during this past several months. That they have all remained healthy. And, that my parents have remained healthy and safe. Family is everything to me. We are grateful for my husbands work and the comfort and security it provides. How everything about my life allows me to do something I love to do -- writing amazing stories which I can share. I am truly blessed. So, I grasp hold of those sparkles and I protect them from the darkness and I encourage them to gleam brighter. Then with a soft exhale, I send them out into the world and hope they will bring others comfort. XOXOXO Josette
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So, I've been struggling to keep a positive outlook and stay productive... my last post was about that. However, last Sunday I worked on a flowerbed at the side of our house. This particular flowerbed is in memory of my mother-in-law and my husband's best friend. It was a gorgeous day. The sun was out, the temps were warm with a light breeze. And, I dug in the dirt, planted flowers, and cleaned out last years detritus. It took me hours to finish and I still need to get mulch to fill it back in but it looks so much better and every time I look out my kitchen window it brings a smile to my face. So, the past couple of days I've noticed a difference in how I feel. I've been able to work on getting some things accomplished which I had been putting off for a bit. It feels so good to knock some things off of my to do list.
Now, if can just get back to writing. I have a summer story releasing in June under Simone Evans that needs to be written. Depression and anxiety have been part of my life for several years now. Each day is a new struggle to get past the nagging voices and the weakness -- lack of motivation -- that keeps me from accomplishing even the simple things. It's a fact of life for many people. I don't feel special. I don't expect pity. However, I do hope for compassion and understanding. Then with the lovely little virus that has changed the world we've known to something new and often uncertain, there are so many people dealing with these same feelings. People who have never dealt with them before. My heart goes out to them and I hope for everyone's sake that things improve soon. But knowing so many are dealing with worse issues than my own, I fall deeper into the darkness. How can I feel bad when I get to do the work I love (write romance), have a loving husband who is able to work from home, my children are all still working (two even at home), and my parents are staying healthy. What more could I want? But my life changed since Covid-19 came onto the scene just like everyone else's. The biggest difference is not being able to see my children. Then, of course, there is the cancellation of book signings. I'm struggling with the fact that I can't see those people who mean the most to me. I can't help them through issues and give them hugs. My daughter is due to have her first child in less than 30 days and the last time I saw her, she was barely showing. My heart breaks at the things I've missed experiencing. Depression settles onto my shoulders as I wonder how long it will be before I can see her or my new granddaughter. (They live in Kentucky and I'm in Ohio). Then I glance out my window (today is drizzly and cold but the previous three days had sunshine) and I see a world in the midst of change. A world in need of escape. An escape I can provide with my words. I look at my computer and see the long list of books on my schedule and the even longer list of book ideas. I have a purpose and I need to hold on to that. Nurture it. I'm not a religious person, more a spiritualist, but the following has always given me a sense of peace: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Sending you all good vibes and hopefully a spark in the darkness that you can help me fan into a blinding new light.
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AuthorJosette is a storyteller, artist, wife, mother, and grandmother. Archives
April 2023
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